One step at a time

Hello everyone, its been a while I know, work life tends to take over from time to time. Its been a crazy few weeks and I am just glad that everything has slowed down for the moment. I have missed this. Hopefully, I can stay consistent with this.

So, I have been contemplating an issue and I have finally took the bull by the horns took that necessary step towards healing myself. My older sister doesn’t agree with it but as I told her its not about her or anyone else, this is about me. For the first time in 9 years, I am returning to Oklahoma for a visit with my girls and to start a healing process for myself. I never realized how much of anger I was holding in towards how I felt about certain ones back in Oklahoma and knew that I could never return while feeling this way. Then last night after I got home, I seen that very dear friend of mine was having open heart surgery this morning and I realized that I hadn’t talked with him in some years and I knew that whatever time that we have left on this Earth, nothing means more than friends who have been there through thick and think, family who have been supportive of your choices even though they didn’t agree with them and those who you love knows how much you have been dealing with making decisions about this certain issue. I am not sure if I am going to see my mom but more than likely I will. I can’t predict how it will turn out, I just know that in order for me to heal I need to make peace within myself so that way I can continue to live my life happily. I am happy and content now but I can’t continue to be happy with everything in the past continue to haunt me.

I have made peace with certain things and have forgiven people for me not for them but for me. I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I feel that this is something that I need to do. My someone special is worried because he feels that it will do something to me…mentally but he understands why I am doing this. My youngest daughter knows that I am coming but the other two doesn’t its a surprise for them and when I am there I will be there for Mother’s day. So I am hoping that this will be a new beginning not only for me but for them also, especially my oldest daughter. I have been refusing to make this journey because as I have stated before I don’t like confrontation and I need to confront my past and put that part of my life behind me and look forward to the future. I don’t know what that will consist of or who will be involved but I know that I need to move forward and continue to heal. I can’t begin to state how nervous but excited to be going back. Going back to old stomping grounds can be therapeutic or just be a disaster from the beginning but I am willing to risk my own self dignity to do that because I need to get past all of this. I have been holding on to this for far too long.

I am going to be out there for a week and I am hoping to come away with either buried hatchets or forever ruined relationships. Whatever the case, I will continue to move forward and make progress with my life. As I have always been told we are never promised tomorrow and we are barely given today. I just want to make things right not only for myself but for anyone involved. I will get to see my grandchildren so that will make the visit worth while too. I smile when I think about that. My grandchildren are my world and that makes me smile like an idiot. That’s my legacy, my bloodline, and my future.

I try to blog from there but I will see how things will go. I just hope it will be worth the trip.

Taking one step at a time.